Just Plain Down

There used to be a time when I wrote about how bad I felt. I would blog on MySpace about how things were going, what I was doing, etc. but mainly how I hated my life. I swear that the ones in charge must've thought I was suicidal because after posting I could not access my blog to reread it for at least a day or so. Just a snapshot in time.

I have no clue why I feel like shit tonight. Maybe it was the third beer during trivia. Maybe it's impending change in the weather. Maybe it's looking at what I have to do and what I want to do. Maybe it's a bit of it all.

A local medical insurance corporation is hiring for BS work for a decent amount of dough ($12-$13/hr). I would prefer not doing this however I'm getting to the point where there is no choice. My unemployment is only going to give me $198 a week (after taxes and whatnot taken out) and while I'm basically living rent-free I'm tired of this game I'm playing here. My life has boiled down to taking shitty jobs in order to do what I enjoy.

“But isn't that your life? Why be ashamed of it – that's who you are.” - A friend of mine.

Yes, it is. It doesn't make me feel any better about it. There's something about life in which it's all reminiscing about days past – the movies, music, etc. - and it seems that everyone and everything else has settled but me. Something something “Peter Pan growing up.”

“Sometimes you have to ask yourself, 'is this as good as it gets?'”

My mind is wandering and I can only picture myself punching myself in the face and looking like the cover to Alice in Chains' “Greatest Hits.” I'm ripping myself apart. I know it's of no use. I know it's of no good.

“I focus on the pain.... the only thing that's real...”

I hate when it rains on the inside. I never know how to make it stop.

I talked with others tonight about applying/taking the job and they responded, “It's not that bad.” The money isn't the concern – it's the feeling that again, I'm going nowhere. The Talking Heads had a road there once. I've been trying to hold out for something that I would enjoy doing because the thin facade of doing what I don't like and hoping it will pay off eventually gets me back to the beginning of the circle.

“I will begin again but I can't start until I've seen the end.”

What kicked all of this off? It may have been the phone call with my mom. She advised me to find my “real” dad and talk with him so I can fix that piece of the puzzle no one else has been able to. Well, it's been on a To Do list for a while but I don't think that doing so is going to automatically fix anything. I just find everybody anticipating something better and I just want out; I'm waiting to see the big, black billboard with EXIT HERE in white letters with an arrow. Please, let me go. I'm tired of being me. I fucked it all up; this wasn't my world. Please let me know that I am not some sort of cosmic joke for omnipotent amusement.

But that won't happen. I'm fucking here. I'll upload this blog and sometime in the future write again. Same shit. Same words. Maybe different structure. But I'll be back. Fuck.