Is There Anything Else Left?

“Meantime life goes on all around you...” -Bob Dylan, “It's Alright Ma (I'm Only Bleeding)”

The question above is what plagues me tonight. Or, rather, this morning. Is there anything left?

Last week I hung out with my friend Jamie. I did my usual back-and-forth about what I should do because that's been the issue – what the hell AM I going to do? I have a cellphone bill, car insurance, healthclub membership, and need diabetes meds (which is an entire issue unto themselves). And I need to live. What do I want to do?

Getting “kicked out,” “laid off,” or “terminated” makes you look at your life and career goals for good and ill. Can I stay in Louisville in order to satisfy and sustain who I am and/or want to be? The most astute answer came from Jamie who said, “You know this place. You know what it's about. It's always going to be here.” This is true. And as I've been saying it doesn't take a lot to get a shit job in this town but having done so in order to pursue my creative side... it's just not cutting it anymore. I've had 8 years of making my life pay for my art and just got more into debt which goes to show that life IS about pursuing your wants because those people who see that you don't want to be doing what you're doing, no matter how good you may be at it, don't find reason to like you. And I can't fake not caring.

And so I've been toiling away at what I should do and where I should be. I can write. I can do photography. I'm fairly skilled at both. I just have to choose one in order to “get in.” I've been considering doing unit still/set photography. My friend Norma suggested seeing if any porn companies would be interested. Har har...

* * * * * * * * * * * * * *

“If you're not happy with yourself it doesn't matter where you go – you're going to have the same problems.”

The first point of contention came from one of my coffeeshop Meetup regulars named Danny. He's done the “video store world” before and has been out to several places. When asked what I'm up to I usually present the “What Color is Your Parachute?” book and tell him that I'm working on it. He tells me the colors of his; I haven't gotten that far. I feel like I'm flailing and languishing.

What do I want to do? I want to be on the road. Concrete. Steel. Asphalt. Blacktop. I want to see a gray or black ribbon stretch forever into the horizon cutting through a forest, lined with telephone poles with birds sitting on the wires. I want the sun at my back as I walk down the pavement, backpack on my back and beholding only to myself. I want a disappear “breather” from this placid mass consciousness that I find myself Facebook checking into. I need the purge.

Being on the road was the only thing that ever made sense to me. I can dissect a movie, deconstruct music, or even tell you the underlying themes of a novel. But the road – I get. I understand it. I miss it.

* * * * * * * * * * * * * *

“So, what are you going to do?”

Both Teresas at the coffeeshop Meetup are looking at me and asking the same question for entirely different reasons. Teresa M is looking at me and asking because she has information that she thinks I know but in reality I don't. Teresa T is looking at me and wanting to know what my next plans are. I entertain Teresa M's question.

“Do about...?”

“Of course you know... we have some of the same friends...”

“Know about...?”

“Jennifer and John getting married.”

It's at this point that the sound from the table suddenly stops. My friend Ronald claims that I looked like a deer in headlights when she told me. I didn't know how to react except to ask more questions.

“How long ago?”

“A few weeks. She's back in Omaha now. Apparently she's been unemployed for the last six months and has moved back. John's still in town waiting out the end of his lease.”

So there you have it – some people do win. Some people get exactly what they want. In the case of Crazy and Psycho (Jen and John) I got “used” by Jen to go over to John and in turn didn't become a footnote; I wasn't anything at all. I have been selectively “erased” from their story of how Jen was oppressed by then boyfriend Kurt and “miraculously” found her independence and love of life in “best friend” John. She moved in, they got engaged, married, and now both are to live “happily ever after” in Omaha.

To paraphrase a friend of mine, “where do you send the 'Go Fuck Yourself,' fruitbasket?”

To her twisted credit she gets to live her “romance.” Sometimes life is plain shit when the shitty people get their happy endings.

Back to the story. My first response was, “You know? Not ever having to hear 'You know that he's my best friend and I don't think of him in that way,' again in my life is the best silence I could've ever bought.” Both Teresas smiled at that one. I thought again a moment later and said, “Sometimes, people just deserve each other.”

And that's how love is sometimes, friends. Some people are starcrossed and fated. Some people deserve each other.

So I spent the collective part of Monday in a slump because... I don't know. That fucking hurt. But I talked with my friend Norma and was able to calm down and she reassured me, like everyone else within the ten-mile radius, that it was a good thing. I'll never have to see either of them again for the rest of my life (fingers crossed). Not that I'm afraid of them in any way, mind you, I just don't think it'd be a good idea if me and either or both were in the same place at the same time. I have no clue as to what would happen.

And so we see that life is about the changes but I wish the changes didn't feel so sudden. Crazy and Psycho are going to live out their “romantic fantasy” and I have to pursue after whatever I'm heading toward. Sometimes it's about saying, “What the fuck?” and moving on.

* * * * * * * * * * * * * *

Prior to those events a friend of mine was logging on and reconnecting with her former exes. Her mission: to obtain the 'validation' she so craved but didn't feel being exuded by her husband. We begin to talk and, as usual, fall into the ole “fantasy” what-ifs and whatnot. At some point during the chats on Facebook there becomes a change: the subtleties in conversation reflecting that “what-ifs” are not possible.

And I didn't really think of them as being possible. Sometimes talk is just that -talk. A few days later we get into the fact that while I care the world about her and consider her a good friend of mine that it's not my job to provide for her what she's wanting. Incidentally she wants to end the fantasizing with me because she felt it would be an “obstacle” of sorts in my efforts to try to find something “real.” I half-heartedly agree with the statement but understand what she's trying to do: grow up. We, as humans, have this condition whereby we cling to unresolved and unrequited feelings in order to feel appreciated if we can't find love elsewhere in the world. Trust me; I know this by heart.

She then continues on to tell me that her husband let her “stray” for a moment in time. She went to visit an ex who had moved in nearby and she stayed the night with him. Note: nothing past “first base.” She awoke in the morning (fully clothed mind you) and realized that she wasn't where she wanted to be; that she missed waking up next to her husband.

Which then begs to question: is our idea of monogamy based on growing up, maturing in “love?” Or do we become complacent with what's familiar to us and it's just easier concentrating on one person? There are people who tout the fact that they can be in more than one relationship at one time but these people have to make an art, a living, at being in some sort of “love.” For most of us we're too stressed out to be in a relationship with more than one person. I remember being questioned about if I was seeing someone else and I replied, “I only have TIME for ONE person!” which was more than true. Dating someone and trying to see others on the side might as well be a full-time occupation and I don't even have time to watch TV.

Again, I digress. I felt a little saddened. I felt a little like some kid caught up in a perpetual machine being ran by adults as if I didn't “get it.” But I did. Nothing left unresolved – no more fantasies.

* * * * * * * * * * * * * *

Final thought: is there anything left for me? Before I went to St. Louis I had spent a week being stressed-out due to the weather and the fact that the only way to get inside my car was by opening the back hatch and sliding through. Then, I got fired. I had nothing else and, not wanting to wait the weekend out with my thumb up my ass, I kept my plans on visiting the STL.

Which went okay. But this isn't about that trip. This is about the fact that, in all reality, there's nothing left for me here. I've spent the past 8 years taking shit jobs because, seemingly, those were the only ones I knew for certain I could get. The Master Plan was to wait out the shitjobs while pursuing whatever dream I had. During the past 3.5 years at the Company I have worked as a Weekend Audio Operator for the local CBS affiliate, filmed a sexual harassment PSA, and been a movie critic/entertainment blogger and freelance photographer. I'm here to say that: there's nothing else to do here. I've damn-near done it all.

It all comes down to: where do I want to go and what do I want to do? Years ago I came back here for logistical purposes. I've stayed here for the past three due to fear of wanting to be out there; fear of being hurt. And now... what choice do I have? If I want to get into film I have to go to a CITY that fosters that environment as opposed to one in which the only things in the pond are the “big fish.” I've never had the wanton need to be the “big fish in a small pond”; I always thought that it made the water stale. I've been alternating time between “What Color is Your Parachute” (to help me focus) as well as handwriting my screenplay, “No Love.”

What DO I want to do? Where DO I want to go? I've been working on these questions for the past month and haven't gained much ground on either but I'm trying.

The best thing I can do for the moment is what I DON'T want to do: I do not want to do customer service work. I do not want to spend another holiday mulling about on my lonesome (or with my uncle) because the rest of my relatives are off doing their thing.

The only answer that seems to be forthcoming from this place is that I need to find somebody to be with. I will give credence to the fact that yes, being with a woman helps me focus and feel better about being me. However I don't want to be with someone just because it'll help my status or because they'll keep me here. I don't feel like I gain anything by shitkicking around this town. I want to be out in the city. I miss it.

I'm getting more tired now as I write this. It's probably the Schlafly beer kicking in. I'm hoping to travel to NYC and/or Seattle. My friends want me to move to Chicago. I have no clue as to the next step.

See ya next time,

-Chas

A Return to Form

So right now as I write this sentence it's 1:32am EST. To once again quote Cage the Elephant, “Ain't no rest for the wicked...”

For those of you who have known me for years and have been following my blogs (as opposed to following me which forces me to get a PO) (just joking, people) I've been alternating between writing and photography and whatever I can and in doing so becoming a “creative mercenary” of sorts; following whichever way the money is traveling or the opportunity takes me. In doing so I have amassed followers on my standard Wordpress movie blog as well as working as a Movie Critic for Mojo, WLKY.com, LouisvilleKY.com, Wiregrass Parenting Magazine, and Alternative Revolt Music Magazine. The only apparent problem with this (aside from it being low-income work) is that while I can expound on just about anything there's only one thing I know how to write about:

Film. Movies. Motion Pictures. Cinema. Life at 24 frames a second.

Not one to sit on my laurels but for a moment let me extoll what I've accomplished: I've been listed twice on Gather.com as a “Cool Person to Know.” I made the first round of TotalFilm.com's “600 Movie Blogs You May Have Missed.” My own personal movie blog peaked at 44,000 hits in a single month. I did all of this without advertising and just plain plugging-away and being honest with my reviews and talking about what I loved.

And then life happened. I was in a relationship which followed by the freefall of breakup. I spent months figuring out who Chas really was and found the deepest, darkest part of my soul (sorry, Google maps will not help you find it). I've fought diabetes back and forth. Survived nearly being creamed by a semi-truck, spinning out on I-64. And finally I'm sitting in the calm of unemployment.

I have a friend of mine named Andy who took me out to St. Louis and brought me back to Louisville as a favor to me. He's a former Radio-TV major who went into the Army and has made a career of it. We talk back and forth about life and whatnot and I've sought advice from him as to what to do. Weeks again the wind was kicking up and whispering to me to follow the one thing I know about, movies, and a chorus among everyone else that echoed the sentiment. Even a friend, Tamara, suggested that I go after it.

On one hand I don't know why I've waited so long to return to the field but on the other I know why: I had to grow up. I had to go out and learn and attain those “rites of passage” that seemingly eluded me before. After the failure of the PSA made for The Company I vowed not to come back for a while; to wait for a time in which I had a Story to tell. After breaking up with Jen I had those B.S. “phantom” moments when I would be sitting in a movie theater and missing someone watching a movie with me. All that shit has been flushed out of my system.

For those not in the “know” I've been working on my own personal, indie movie project called “No Love.” I initially sell it to people as being about “bad sex” and other relationship problems that we find ourselves not wanting to talk about. I've been watching “anti”-romance movies such as “Closer,” and “(500) Days of Summer” to get an idea. I recommend both movies, BTW. I'm trying to be as honest as possible in writing this thing.

Writing the screenplay. Did I ever mention that I'm horrible at it? Let me back that thought up: I'm good at doing dialog and writing for myself but when it comes to submitting a screenplay for others to consider in competitions or whatnot I have format problems, etc. Ultimately I have found that there only rule for screenwriting is that your actors have to understand what's on a page; that you were able to communicate what they need to do. As far as I know Michael Bay writes his out on napkins and hands them to the actors the day they are needed on set. Again, as far as I (or anyone) knows.

So I've been actively working on this screenplay for the past few months in my “slow and easy eventually gets something accomplished” sort-of way. Per se, I've been averaging typing out a scene a week for the past two months. This past week I've spent 2 hours a night at coffeeshops plugging-away at new scenes and writing down notes/thoughts for others.

But how did it start you ask? Well, I'll tell ya:

I spent most of last year trying to date. Some dates were cool; others not so much. Every-other conversation I've had has been about what either side wants out of a relationship. You ever get to a point where after absorbing near-everything that “bottling up” makes you want to do something with all that info stored? Yeah, that's how it started. That and a scene from a Sam Rockwell movie (hence the title “No Love”)

If writing this screenplay has made me learn or appreciate anything it's that in writing about matters of the heart I've had to learn to trust my heart which I'm not so keen on. Call me Spock if you must but I've spent a long while trying to take the path of “least resistance” and subside on making a living by not doing what I love in hopes to eventually do what I love. One of the lessons I've learned in life is that never comes a helluva lot faster than someday (which never seems to come. Thankya Mr. Fogerty) and living hand-to-mouth doesn't do shit for ya. It doesn't impress others. It doesn't make you feel better about yourself or your world. It just makes the rest of the world “dim” the longer you do it. Maybe there is something to doing what you love as opposed to just doing something. Shitkicking around accomplishes nothing.

Back to my heart; the single-piston engine that it is. I've had to go back and remember conversations. I've had to go back and remember different dates that I've had with women. I've had to go back and drudge up Jen for all intents and purposes. It's not so much “vicarious re-living” as it is sifting through the moments that hurt and trying to remember something good. The funny thing about this is that when you're in the breakup all you can do is cover over the bad stuff with all the good stuff and whatever you miss. Once you've “moved on” it's anything you can do to remember anything that was good at all. Which is where I'm at.

Wow. I just realized how much I've written so far. I didn't expect to; I guess not being as “stressed-out” by my former job the fluidity of my language has returned. Maybe the order to restore my faith in the human race will follow. We'll see.

Returning to the subject at hand: “No Love: the Movie.” I'm doing this step-by-step. I'm going to shoot it digital. I'm going to need to raise the money for the resources to do it with. I'm hoping that people will walk away talking about it, saying more than the message was “Chicks suck,” because I'm trying to be as honest as I can about things. But I'm really just hoping that it'll be done.

On that note I close out this blog entry. Wish me luck. Make a donation should I ask for it. And hope the best for me. I would appreciate it.

Note: blog uploaded 2:22am EST

More Than a 140 Character Update

As always I drop by in this neighborhood to talk. Maybe vent. Not so much a tirade as I am expunging.

First off: Week One of unemployment is done. How many more weeks to go we are not in the know. It's odd because the worst thing (in my opinion) about being unemployed is not so much the lack of income as it is the feeling that now I am officially on the outside of the world again.

It's cold. It's lonely.

My friends have all of their friends and are doing whatever they're doing. People I used to chat with on Facebook aren't hanging around so much anymore. To cap it off I feel like members of the Meetup group I'm a part of have distanced themselves from me a bit so again it's just me and whatever happens in Chas World.

So I guess I should update for those of you still reading if you care to know.

First off it's been torrential rain hell over the past month reaching near-record highs, flooding the downtown areas, canceling Derby events and overall adding an amount of stress most of us can do without. But hey, this IS Thunderstorm Alley and if you're not used to it by now -thppt- on you.

To add to my level of stress in regards to this: 1) The door handle on the driver side of my car snapped off weeks ago and cannot be replaced without replacing the entire door. This equates to me having to enter my car by lifting up the back hatch and climbing/sliding inside. No, I refuse to YouTube this.

As if that weren't enough my car has been acting up for the past six months. At least $800 has went into getting new tires, dealing with engine problems, finding misfiring spark plugs, etc. I spent a few days with my uncle looking for a new car until...

Thursday. When I got fired. Actually they used the phrase “terminated” which, in the back of my head, brings the visual of an exo-skeleton of a “Terminator” out to get me. Sorry, no John Connor that I know of. Anyway they cited me for “wildly inconsistent” scorecards (method of “grading” our phone calls not brought into play until last year) which is funny because last month my average for calls was around 106. I got a $25 gift certificate to Target. To add to things they offered me a seven week severance package (which will include my 70 hours of accrued time off) so they won't get sued over the lousy excuse for dismissing me. It's easier to blame someone's grades of my calls as opposed to saying “We're going Corporate and don't need you anymore. Thanks for playing; here's your parting gift.” On the plus side of this I was one of three eliminated from my department and one of many fired within a week's time from the Company. Supposedly doing so upset my manager to the point where she took the day off.

Having spent about $122 on a room for two days in Maryville, IL I decided to go ahead and take my trip to Illinois to meet a friend of mine. My friend Andy was driving me out there and back for free and I was interested in meeting my friend while out there. The trip overall was alright and I'll discuss more about it in a future blog post.

It's been forever since I've been fired/let go/terminated/released/ “we no longer require your services” and a long while since I've done a vacation that I've been trying to sit back this week and take it easy. If you know me there is a fallacy in this statement in the fact that sitting back and relaxing is easier for me to say than do. I've went back to exercising/training. I've applied for unemployment. I've “squared away” most of my money issues for the moment (although will be catching up on bills this weekend). I -hopefully- have a coffee meetup on Sunday that will be attended. Overall I've spent maybe 4 hours over the entire week on Facebook; 30-min increments at any random point in time.

Amid the freefall chaos I've been working on my screenplay “No Love.” One one hand it's been not only cathartic but it has “saved” me in a sense because I have a singular goal to fixate on. Which may be the one thing I love about film: that “focus” on a singular goal. No continuing series just a straight story from beginning to end. More about this in a future blog.

How many proposed blog entries am I up to now? At least two more? Ain't no rest for the wicked I tell you...

So keep tuning in and I'll have more for you. There's meeting me in Saint Louis. And the trials and tribulations of dating as told through “No Love.”