Been a bit since I've posted anything personal and it feels forever. It's a Sunday morning and I'm realizing that I'm missing writing a little. And I'm watching the Genesis video collection, doing laundry, charging my Zune player, and in the slow migration. Yep, for those of you reading I'm moving to a different (and better) part of town. Upside: I'm saving myself a chunk of money per month. Downside: I'm sharing an apartment. It's not about who I'm sharing it with so much as I've been in my place for the last 3 years. Yeah, I did have the “unemployed roomie” and even a girlfriend who lived with me for two weeks but really... it was still my place. We'll see how this goes and will keep you informed.
The videos are distracting. I'm watching “Invisible Touch” right now.
2010 and everything is changing all the time. Life 2.0 and I'm having to quickly pick up those things I avoided knowing and learning that I didn't in round one. Which is fine to a certain extent with some, not so much with others. Five. I shake my head as I write that. Five. I've had that many relations this year. I'm honestly surprised Guinness hasn't called me and asked “What's up?” (To which I would respond, “4 Non Blondes?”)
It's funny. A friend of mine asked what song I would come up with about her and she would return the favor. The song we shared was the acoustic version of “Plush” by Stone Temple Pilots. Sometimes, a song works for a place and time. Jennifer's song would've been “Wagon Wheel” by Old Crow Medicine Show; hers would later become “Gold Dust Woman” by Fleetwood Mac. I never really gave Lisa an entrance song but she did like listening to Coldplay (but agreed Ryan Adams was depressing). Her song after I broke up was “If You Could Read My Mind,” by Gordon Lightfoot and damned if Bob Dylan wasn't right -you really don't want a Lightfoot song to end. And if I go back far enough someone warranted “Human Touch” by Bruce Springsteen.
What am I doing this morning? Waxing laconic about the beautiful moments. Laying on my futon. Having my back kissed. Seeing a woman lie naked in my bed. Tracing my fingers along the contour of her body. Falling asleep next to her. Morning sex. Making breakfast. Baring my soul. Staring at the stars. All the good things I can keep.
Once again I'm confronted with the question: what do I want? And the bad thing about it is that unlike others who have the checklist I'm just making mine up. What do I want? The other half of my soul. The person who complements me (and complimenting works, too). Someone who makes me feel appreciated. A soul to cry into in the darkness. The rest of the knobs, buttons, levers and switches can be negotiable. Someone I can talk with and feel on the level with.
Are these ideals too ethereal? I don't know. Sometimes I feel like they are. But I've got to get better at slowing things down and taking time with having a relationship and have to set my boundaries instead of having whatever comes my way. I'm getting older and that lifestyle leaves me feeling empty after it's done.
What have I learned? First off, sex without love sucks. Physically it can be rewarding but once you've lost the deeper connection or it's not entirely there.. it's junk love. Secondly, sex is not the carrot at then end of the stick that should be dangled in front of someone's eyes. That's beyond putting all your eggs in one basket; it's hedging a bet on an implausibility. While it's noble to want to wait I'm inclined to believe that the pot o' gold at the end of the relationship rainbow is making it to the end happy. Third, women pursue sex hoping to find love and men pursue love hoping to find sex.
And that's all I got to say about that.
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