Blink. Blink. Blink.
This cursor stares at me while I try figuring out what to say, how to elaborate the goings-on of my life. Outside the world is dark. Quiet. The Sunday night before Turkey Day and a calm permeates the storm I sit in the eye of.
Strike that. Not a storm. Change.
I think back to when I ran into Julia at the Borders. I was going to grab a mocha from Heine Bros in the Gardiner Lane plaza and saw her enter the bookstore. Making a beeline over to it I went inside and struck up a conversation with her and told her I was moving. I relayed how my entire childhood revolved around this area. She said that she understood and if she were still living in her hometown she wouldn't be able to stand it either.
Growing up in Beuchel. The Showcase Cinemas, where I first saw “Bram Stoker's 'Dracula'” and a score of other movies as well as working there as a janitor one summer, is now rubble being carefully combed-over by construction vehicles since it couldn't be made into a viable movie theater again. Bashford Manor Mall where I would go see what was new in Something To Do or play in Aladdin’s Castle (the arcade) was intentionally ran down and eventually imploded. Now the land is occupied by a Lowe's, Wal-Mart, Taco Bell, and Burlington Coat Factory. The Bon Air Swim Club where my cousins worked during the summer closed down due to the contract with the owners expiring and the ones leasing the land not wanting to rent the parking lot to the pool. Now it sits like a forgotten warehouse surrounded by low-income housing on the cheap side of gentrification.
I sit here tonight in the remains of my last days in Beuchel. Like Billy Pilgrim becoming unstuck in time I am unstuck in my memories. My life ended here in 1996 but became resurrected between 1999 and 2004 and then died again to be brought back in 2007. And for everything I've had to learn, every bit of life that I've been force-feeding myself because I just didn't pick it up during Round One, my friends, I have to leave this place.
I'm glad at the same moment of being sad. I've rallied my life against creature comforts (okay, yes, the movie geek setup I confess to having) and this place grew on me. The more I wanted to go the more it seemed to pull me in and I would find reasons to stay instead of moving on. As fate or fortune would have it my uncle moved back into the area and offered to help me out by letting me move over to his place. I thought about it, the good outweighed the bad, and said “Yes.”
The remains. Books. Some DVDs. Trash. Dishes. Stuff in the fridge most of which can be thrown away. I'm giving myself until Saturday to vacate.
And the change isn't just moving to a separate side of town. It's me figuring out what the next move is. I don't know if I'm done with dating in this place or dating period but it seems the more I try to find somebody the more I miss Jennifer. Maybe because she was the smartest woman I've had an extended relationship with. Maybe it's because she gave me my freedom to be me. I've just not found those qualities in any woman since her. And no I'm not expecting any or every woman to measure up to her (because the rules vary per person) but my checklist is becoming more defined and seeing what's out there has an interesting set of misadventures which leaves me thinking about her. And yes I'm sure several of my friends would gladly punch me in the face should I backtrack and go back to her.
The change isn't just about figuring out what I want from a relationship if I have any. Entertainment blogging burnt me out and I just ceded away from it. In fact my job has me burnt out and I've been ceding away from humanity a bit. This isn't an afront to anyone so much as when I think I understand it all everything changes again. People want to know what I want and my answer has been “Let me out. Let me go.”
I've been asking myself what it is that I truly like or even love. Aside from music and movies. Travel. No, I'm not rich but I miss being on the road, taking pictures, and writing/blogging back about my adventures like you don't know. Maybe that IS my purpose...
So I'm proposing an idea which is quaint in humor because I seem to ask people what they think of my good ideas as if they are bad and vice-versa. I'm going to go on a sabbatical in June and hopefully going to spend 2 months in New York City (“New York City?!?”) and taking a course in travel writing from an instructor and learn how to get into travel writing/photography. The Neverending Highway...
I'm trying to piece together how I'm going to pull it off (donations anyone?) I'm not so much scared to go as how to make it work in NYC for 2 months. Maybe subletting or finding a hostel to stay in. The overall truth, if it does so exist, is that I have to hit the road again.
And I know and realize there are no guarantees which is easier to write and say than actually quantify. Or rectify if need be. I know my problems of when I went to stay in California but going to NYC is not to stay as it is an opportunity I want/need to make for myself. Maybe the answers I am looking for are there. Maybe not. But it isn't just about finding answers as it is something to kickstart me into something I think I'm good at doing that I miss. And it's not forever but the highway IS neverending. I just have to get back on it.
Goodbye childhood memories. Goodbye Buechel. Goodbye Bardstown Road.
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