Introspection on an Empty Apartment

When we last left the “Chas Show”...

INT. ABANDONED WAREHOUSE – EVENING

Light is barely visible in an open, spacious, abandoned warehouse. The railing of an old wooden staircase can somewhat be seen. The SOUND of GUNSHOTS outside ring and vibrate the aluminum siding walls. In rush CHAS and EDUARDO.

CHAS

Where the fuck did they come from?

EDUARDO

You got me, amigo.

CHAS

And what the fuck do you think that you were doing?

Trying to 'cook some fools' or somethin'?

EDUARDO

(catches his breath) Sid is dead.

CHAS

I KNOW Sid is dead. What about Eric?

EDUARDO

Taken hostage by Wendy.

CHAS

Wendy? Dammit!

Chas takes out his piece and racks the 9mm's slide.

CHAS

This shit just got real...

EDUARDO

Gonna make a deal?

CHAS

In fuckin' blood, buddy.

EDUARDO

You can always talk with Norma...

CHAS

And sell my soul? Nuh-uh compadre.

It's mano e-mano time and someone's not comin' home for the holidays...

And now Part Two of “Buechel Livin'”

Hope you enjoyed that one, folks. Always love to leave my audience captivated :)

I'm sitting on my futon in the living room of my new living space: an apartment I'm sharing with my uncle. We'll see how things go. Right now my bedroom feels like the leftover closet that people forget stuff is in. I have to literally make my way through a maze of stacks of stuff to get to my bed which is now a single. I kinda miss my queen-size mattress (which wound up being slashed within minutes of leaving it next to a garbage bin). I'm listening to Martini in the Morning (great jazz channel you can find online. Look it up.) And just trying to think.

Clearly. I can't remember when I last thought clearly.

I'm getting sleep which is good. I can go to sleep by 2am and wake up at 8 feeling better than when I was in Buechel. I'm attributing that to moving away from Bardstown Road. My stress level has significantly lowered but I'm still having problems dealing with my job.

Okay, this is the thing: my job killed two of my relationships (not THE reason but it didn't help them). Why did I spend so much time destroying myself? Inquiring minds might like to know but the truth is change. My mind works on patterns and once something becomes accepted, no matter how bad it is, I just get used to it. I'm more an intellectual person than emotional per se so I don't consider a job good or bad -it is whatever it is. I stay as long as I need the money to survive and then leave at whatever point I generally want to. I shouldn't be this way. I still go back to Deanna asking me if I wanted my life to pay for my art or my art to pay for my life. I would like my art to pay for my life but I have to have faith in it. To believe in what I'm doing. And I feel damned lost on that notion.

Sorta misplaced. Living on the outside. Like no one is letting me in.

So there's a lot of things going on right now. First off I'm still blogging for entities and I've been seriously cutting back on that because of frustrations with the rules, software platforms, etc. That and the fact that I need time away and so I'm figuring an article here or there won't hurt. There's not too much film stuff in Louisville to expound upon so I'm limited on Louisville.com and I like my more “intellectual” blogs to be on WLKY uLocal. I haven't even kept up with other blog stuff.

Which brings me to another point: getting back into the swing of what I want to do. I need to setup my own website which I will operate the Neverending Highway blog through, as well as my photography and even a side thing for reviews. I'm planning on taking a course through MatadorU on travel writing and photography and that's what I'm looking into right now.

However, my friend Dean brought up an interesting point: how long will his last? I've been fighting the whole “hiatus from the world of film” for a while (note: too much bullshit) and went back to the basics of what I enjoy: writing and photography. Generally this leans toward journalism but I'm not a fan of the cynicism; that “well, it's all crap anyway” nudge that's the undercurrent of journalistic sentences. I just wanted to tell stories and be good at it. I wanted to explore the world and find myself. I wanted to be cool.

Right now I'm detoxing from my previous life here; the last 3 years. I'm probably not going to go to the Gardiner Lane Heine Bros. (aka Chas' coffeeshop) until Saturday or Sunday. This is probably for the best seeing as Jennifer (aka The Ex) is there on Tuesday nights studying. I think back to all the exploits at my place and... yeah. The times. I think the next few weeks are gonna be rough but I have to get my head on straight and just deal. Figure things out. Know what I want and what I won't put up with.

To be continued...