When I Feel That Time's a Wasted Go...

Y'know what? I'm about five seconds from letting the world win.

World: you got me. Is that what you wanted? Another defeat? Another person blasting out into the jumbled 0's and 1's how unless you agree with it, it's not happening? That these Hollywood-ized dreams we have about how one person can make a difference, can change things, is bunk because you have to be willing to let it happen? Is that how it really goes?

Then fuck it. Fuck it all.

I'm just high-strung tonight, people. Sitting on the edge looking into the chasm below.

I guess I'm more than slightly pissed tonight because this movie group that I'm trying to start is not going very well. Not at all. I attached myself to another group in order to get members who would be interested in coming to my place and watching a movie. And what happened?

The exact opposite.

If I were in some sports game my team would be taking a time out and using their cellphones to call the bookies and bet on the other team. It's that bad. I haven't went back to the site yet but I'm pretty sure the odds are sitting at 13-1 against.

Either I suck or these people are extremely fucking shallow. Let's not discount that both theories are possible.

Nut up or shut up time. Do I really want a movie group? Do I dare go up against the group I co-created currently presided over by Crazy and Psycho? Do I need to deal with any more shit from them?

Goddamn it. Goddamn it all.

* * * * * *

And someone asked me what I want, what I REALLY want. My answer: out. Just out. Cash in my chips. Write the check and leave the table. I'm done. Thanks. It wasn't really all that fun.

Which brings me to why am I still here? Why am I kept around? God and Satan have had more than a few chances to finish me off, the last being my car nearly creamed by a semi-truck that didn't realize I was in the lane it was merging in. Why? Am I some sort of sick joke being played out? Does neither side want me or has the bidding for my soul just not got there? Even in death I just might be by myself.

Let me attach to this rant: being “special” and a “nice guy” doesn't do dick for me. Sorry. No, strike that. All it really means is that a large ass target hangs over me head for the world to shit on me. For stupid shallow fuckers who can't see life bigger than themselves and who have nothing better to do than do right by themselves to squat on the bull's eye? Fuck that. Fuck me.

* * * * * *

So the last bit of frustration is in the fact that I'm trying to do something with my life. In terms, I'm trying to get my photography up and running/sold/recognized/jobs/etc. What's been holding me up?

A name. I have no name for the company.

Which shouldn't be difficult but it is. I'm trying to stay away from using Chas because I feel kinda done with it. Or maybe it's that I'm tired of me. Either way I've been pressing my friend Cindi for ideas and thankfully she's given me a few. And I've asked others but nothing feels like it really RINGS, like it's cool. And so amidst other crap I should be doing I'm dickering around with the name for my business.

One crisis at a time,

-C