No Love

I’ve been busy a lot lately. I’m stacking up phone numbers to call left and right for personal business. I’ve been whittling down the 220 images I shot last weekend. My friend Cindi suggests I go into stock photography which I’ve been considering for a while; I just need time to sit down and seriously concentrate on it but my mind doesn’t like staying at any given locale too long. We’ll see what happens…

And for the moment I’m tired. Again. Done. Burnt. I went to play trivia last night and the female bartend (”Steen”) acted pissed-off to see me. So, I didn’t talk to her except to order beer, get some ginger ale, and pay my tab. If you’re happier not talking to me THAN talking to me, just keep being happy. I don’t need to have anything to do with you except professional business.

* * * * * * * * *

“I dunno. I’m not looking for a relationship right now…”

So says the black woman into her cellphone earpiece; a white cord with an earbud that looks like she’s listening to an iPod. She’s standing by her cart next to a shelf to the right of the walkway on the left side of the store. Her shoe makes a heavy sound as she pounds it on the floor.

And then I realize my generation: the broken one with no love. I’m caught between friends such as Rob who, while he put in the time and effort to get to know how wife-to-be still put in the time and they had their separate lives, he’s the last of ones that I think I’ll ever know that did that.

I’m reminded of the Jennifer situation: a girl who just wanted to find someone to be with. That’s not entirely true –she was with Kurt. The point I find myself digressing from is that she goes after someone, goes to move in with them, then moves on to someone else. She’s been married before to boot. Part of me, the rational side, says it’s for the best. Emotions, however, do not have rationale.

The point I’m getting to is that dating, ergo relationships, seem to be in extremes. On one end there are those of us who are perpetually broken – jaded, cynical, tired, burnt, and fed-up; we’ve heard it all before. We suck at relationships/are horrible at them and just bob up and down in the sea of loneliness. On the other are the ones who find someone, latch onto them, and move in with them with the mentality things will get better or they’ll just work themselves out. Both of these roads are not without their share of peril.

Maybe it’s a question of wants and needs. A friend of mine, Jennai, posted on her FB status that she wants to call a truce on the war between the sexes. I think that war has downgraded to skirmishes of an almost “who could care less” mentality. It just feels like everything is… busted. Not to throw out any generalities here but women seem to have a checklist only slightly thicker than the Clinton Healthcare document of the 90’s while hoping that the guy they are dating not only makes it through the checklist but is every bit the fairytale Prince Charming meets Marlboro Man that they want him to be. It is impossible come highly unlikely that any guy can remotely match this image or come close. Meanwhile us guys are steeped in the idea that the an incredibly hot, huge-chested, high-heel wearing chick will accept us for being slobs which is NEVER true because beautiful chicks, hot chicks at that, mainly stay around those as equally good-looking. Both sides hide within their own fantasies crossing their fingers for it to become reality.

So I’ve talked with exes and friends and the question becomes: what do I want? What am I looking for in a person? I really don’t know. A woman I FEEL attracted to, not just someone I think I can grow into linking. A woman who actually APPRECIATES me for being me instead of trying to control me or make me feel like shit. A soul I can cry into in the darkness. A woman I can complement (and compliment) and vice-versa. Someone who puts me at ease just being with them.

But how do I market that? Are women actually interested in that or are men just chutes and ladders? The Old Man (ergo, old apartment neighbor) once said that women are looking for three things: fun, finance, and security and they’ll do anything to have that combination, whether it’s one guy or many. And I do not know where else to go on this tangent…

I guess I’m at the fact that I sit tired. And disillusioned. Not as broken but tired of having to sift through the leftovers of the alcoholics, the crazies, and the rest I’m not attracted to. And there are times that I forget the point –that those moments I so forget about, that deep down I miss, that all this is clouded under a veil of “never again” nostalgia that I’ll not have a chance to experience, just vaguely remember like I’m watching a movie unfold before me.

I dunno. It’s all just crazy talk.