“By myself but not alone...” -Metallica
It was easily the hardest, loneliest Christmas that I've ever had.
People were asking me beforehand what my plans for the holiday were. “Nothing.” Which was true. Christmas was going to be like any other Saturday to me. I was going to get up and do whatever I usually did on a Saturday.
But I couldn't. It was Christmas.
The difference, aside from not being around my immediate family (parents, brothers and sister) was the fact that Christmas day you can count on one hand the amount of places open. Gas stations. Chinese restaurants. A coffee shop or two. A few liquor stores. That's all.
Because everyone else is at home with their families, friends, and significant others doing the Christmas thing: giving and receiving gifts. And that's what it's really about.
My day started around 3pm when I left the apartment and drove across town to the one Heine Bros. that happened to be open, get a coffee, then head back to the apartment. I stopped off at Bowman Field liquor store and shot-the-shit with Scott who was working until 7pm when he had to go across town and eat Christmas dinner with his family.
I got back to my apartment around 6pm and my uncle and I decided to go out to eat at Umai, the Chinese buffet not far from the apartment complex where I live. It was $40 total for the both of us. Steep for a Chinese buffet; maybe it was the fact they were open on a holiday. I'm not making my way back there anytime soon.
Sunday fared better -I went and got a spiced mocha from Sonoma coffee cafe and my uncle and I went to a friend's house before going to my other uncle's house. At the other uncle's house we stopped by for a few minutes. His wife, son, and daughter-in-law were watching the game. My aunt asked a few questions (“How was your Christmas? Has your social life changed since you moved?”) and I'm a little bit irked -I'm tired of dealing with people who only live for “social status.”
But this doesn't end here...
Monday morning and the holly-jolliness permeates the air. How was Christmas? Sunday was nice... I felt like a buzzkill and for the most part tried keeping to myself. I logged onto the Internet and saw how everyone else seemed to have it better and in a moment I made a decision:
I deactivated from Facebook.
Tired. Lonely. Hurt. Angry. Living in a hole. Driving around Christmas day wasn't any different than watching the “outside” world of some “Dead” movie. I felt like shit. I felt unappreciated. And within five minutes I disconnected from everything.
Hopping off the FB shouldn't be that big of a deal, but it's became that. Forget people calling you, or texting you, or e-mailing you -Facebook is how everyone stays “in the know” about what's going on with you without expending any effort other than mouse-clicking. Maybe in some 1950's sci-fi serial this seems like an idea ripe to go wrong but in 2010 it's a reality. Call it burn-out. Call it a social experiment. I wanted to call it quits.
The first person to contact me was Norma who was concerned because she saw my name “blacked-out.” I assured her that I was alright and that I needed some time to disconnect and detox from the Internet because I felt less than everyone else on there. She understood.
The second person to contact me did so the next day. Daniel, an editor for an online magazine I do movie reviews for, was concerned about what had happened and why. I gave him a little more concise, a little more expounded explanation and told him that yes, I would be back on Friday.
Jamie was the third person. He actually called me and left a voicemail. I called him back and told him yes, I was burnt out on everything and everyone and so forth. We talked a few ideas about Friday night but that was about it.
Finally Eric texted me and said that Wendy and Angela were asking about me, what had happened, was I alright, etc. I gave him a call and assured him that I was just taking a rest from it all and I would be back as soon as possible. We talked about a few other things and that's as much as I remember of the convo.
On Friday I returned and everyone was glad to see me again. My friend Debbie was concerned as were a few others but... I really needed the time away. I can only absorb so much of the world and show that my life is only as real as the fake props behind me. The columns on my mansion are made of Styrofoam and the rocks that align the waterfall are made from paper mache. Please don't touch anything -it's just been spray-painted.
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