Chasing Unhappiness

Every time I write one of these posts it seems forever since the last. When I was in the realm of writing on a nearly daily basis my MySpace account (which still exists, by the way) would be my catharsis. It was apparently so depressing that after I posted something it would literally take me an extra day to re-read it online. I often wondered if the admins put me on a “suicide watch.” I always thank those who have been with me on my journey because I've watched so many leave. 'Tis life and life only.

Following tonight's PPAGL meeting I sat in a McDonald's (yep, haven't been to one of those in YEARS) talking with two of the members. One of them mentioned the fact that he had a female friend who was at the end of her third marriage and spent the night hanging out with him during a shoot. She told him, “I'm fifty now and I'm finally in my own.” He was happy and impressed with that and I summed it all up this way:

Fitting In vs. Belonging

Therein lies the problem: which is better? Not once in my lifetime has any ever tried or force-fed me to be like anybody else. Are there people I looked up to? Yes and (sadly) I have became that lone figure. I looked up to everyone who had a story to tell or an interesting life that they lived. Over the last decade I've became that guy. I only recommend it for the experiences – it doesn't pay quite what I felt was advertised.

As always I digress. “Fitting in” is the belief that you have to emulate someone or someones in order to be accepted. “Belonging” is doing your own thing and having people respect you for it because you're happy with yourself. I'm trying for the latter.

And it's not always easy. I found myself, my interest, my happiness, in doing night photography (or as I say, “shooting at night”). Yes, it can be dangerous. Yes, it can be lonely (in the beginning it was only myself). But I love the world at night – the colors of the lights, the cityscape, the character in the architecture. I fell in love with a different world.

As always there are the detractors – those who thought I was crazy to do so. “Dude, you'll get killed.” “Dude, the only people out at night are pimps and pushers.” I've had girls I've been interested in turn me down because they probably imagined that I was out late every night pursuing it. That wasn't true and neither were the other two statements – I'm still here.

Why did I even find myself this way? I could go back to the reason/excuse that I was tired of doing the “film” thing. I had no money, no resources, and not a lot of friends which you actually need in order to make a film (for good or ill). I was tired of the sick desperation and everyone asking me, “Hey, when is your next film coming out?” Uh, the short side of “never?” Granted I have some cool ideas and three badly-formatted scripts on the shelves of the Library of Congress but I'm not waiting for a phone call saying, “This is shit-in-your-pants good. When can you get out to L.A.?”

As for the writing... I could blame the Girl With the Dragon Tattoo (an ex-girlfriend, not Lisbeth Salander). True that without her I may have not joined the SmugMug or Louisville Digital Photography groups but I was shooting on occasion when I was dating her so... it was an unintended thing. Following her I did write “The Big Adios,” my little bit of crime-fiction that I'm proud of and I continued doing movie reviews for a while. The problem was that I spiraled into not wanting to write about movies anymore and just being burnt-out and depressed.

That was part of “fitting in.” I live in suburbia and life is gauged by who you are, your relationship status, and why anyone should care. All I could do was ask and fail. I have had a few dates and at least a girlfriend along the way and while I had those brief moments of being happy I was always looking for something more and not finding it.

For “shits and giggles” I decided to do the night photography thing. I don't exactly know what possessed me to do so (outside of a cool night shot or two in Seattle) but I decided to perfect it in Louisville. I had never seen the city at night and what seemed a dream so far away slowly and surely became a reality. Detractors fell away and people got behind what I was doing. Not everything came up roses but I did my own thing, made a book from it, and have even sold some prints of what I've done. I'm happy with that.

Another part of belonging is the fact that I am what is considered HFA, or for those not used to acronyms, “high-functioning autistic.” I run/really on logic which sometimes fails when shit starts happening and I don't know how to react. If logic and emotions were commandeering a plane logic would be the pilot and emotion the co-pilot. It's only when emotion goes crazy that logic loses it; otherwise it's basically smooth sailing. Or I once illustrated that the center of my brain held an office filled with scientists who made sure everything ran smoothly. Emotions would storm the office like the Pampolona running of the bulls with one of the scientists inside running to a phone and shouting, “We're surrounded!”

Maybe that's part of the self-defense mechanism. The sad thing about it all is that a lot of the time I don't know who to talk to or who to trust. To quoth Sean Connery from the third “Indy” film, “We are pilgrims in a most unholy land.” It may be my paranoia acting up or the simple fact that I'm tired of my brain running in fifth gear while everyone else seems to be running in second. How can I trust if I can't talk with someone?

So I'm expurgating my issues here and along with the detachment from logic/emotions and paranoia there is what I'm known for: excessive amounts of information. Or, I'm called “Mr. Computer” or “Mr. Professor.” I have to explain things to everyone (at times). I pull off more references than Dennis Miller and have encyclopedic knowledge of music and movies. If this were currency I'm doing about as well as Lira can in Kentucky.

And while I'm on the subject of feeling detached I will address the point that everyone seems to be curious about: which side of the fence am I on? Whose team am I playing for anyway? Honestly I prefer women – the look, T&A, the sound of their voice, how when a woman with class, style, and grace walks into a room my heart just stops with a sonic boom, the softness of their skin, the smile, the smell... My problem? I don't know how to speak to one. I can't just go up and ask a woman out because I don't know what she wants to hear. Or I'll be rejected because I make her feel dumb/stupid. And several million other ors.

I have found myself happy to be unhappy in finding a relationship and that may have to be how it is. I don't want or need a relationship to fulfill status quo. I'm looking for a challenge; someone to make me feel like a better person because I'm with them. Ultimately I'm looking for someone that I can talk to and trust. That would make the world for me.