Before I get too far into this there are those out there who miss my blog, what's up with me, etc. These entries are for you. I'll probably post this on my MySpace and NW site as well, so any friends still over there can read it, too.
It's nearing the end of May and a brutal summer lies over the horizon of the setting red sun. As the season called “spring” comes to a close so does a few chapters in my life.
Last year I began a blog I never posted; one talking about how much my life had changed once I found out that I was Type II diabetic. There's nothing in life that forces you to live than to find out that now you are required to watch everything you eat and drink or else at best your mind spins and you feel hot or cold or at worst, death.
January 2010 and despite the freezing cold and weekend snows my world was sailing. I was in a relationship for the first time in a long while, I churned out an article every day for LouisvilleMojo, I watched a bunch of movies for free, I went down to Georgia for my birthday for a week... everything was happening. I got up at 8am and didn't get to sleep until 2am on most nights. When the girl I was with moved into my place for two weeks my life went from 900mph to jumping on the Autobahn.
March 2010 the machine broke. The first breakup I had that stretched itself out when I had been a fan of the “fading away” method. My world went into free-fall then gray and finally I found myself taking a long, hard, cold look over what happened and what I was responsible for in all of it. I felt like I was investigating the remains of a plane crash that happened fifty years previous.
I had to do something, I just didn't know what. In February I started a hardboiled thriller project called, “The Big Adios” and continued with that. I also made it a point to exercise correctly and lose some weight.
By the end of April I stacked events on the scales. On the positive side I had lost 23 pounds and made it to the second draft of “The Big Adios,” which I had been pouring my heart and soul into. On the negative side I had lost three friends: one out in California due to whatever the hell he was doing, and two because of the relationship (one of them being the ex-girlfriend). Also, LouisvilleMojo shut down its news division which meant my competitive impetus was removed and I became one of three writers remaining on a site that now dedicated itself to dating.
Keep hanging in there...
May plodded along and at points I found myself re-examining everything and everyone to the point of wanting to crawl under a rock or duck back under my shell. The trust I had in others was broken, I had lost people I had considered friends, and the straw that broke the camel's back? I got booted from the writing group that I was a part of.
But I'm still here.
If there is any saving grace to this river town it's that I've had moments to realize who I am and ask myself: what the hell AM I doing here? This place has a sustainability factor which is fine if you need to figure out who you are and what you want to do but don't expect it to be able to suit your needs for very long. Some people want to be a big fish in a small pond and that's fine. I'm after a bigger pond.
Each day I traverse the hallways of a house of mirrors and find out something about myself that I didn't know. I can't tell you if this is growing up or growing old; I wish I knew. I can tell you what it led to.
Killing Old Charles. The bastard is definitely a bleeder. Old Charles is that sense of self that no one likes: wishy-washy, trying to make everyone love me, living life by what others suggest, and several other quirks I'm having to pound down worse than a Van Helsing stake. Neurotic, uncomfortable, no self-esteem; the list really is endless. It's everything I dislike about me.
New Chas. Or maybe just Chas. Cool, content, precise, focused, happy(er), and most importantly not taking shit off of others who have nothing better to do than drag others down to their level. The idea of self-actualization or the process of finding it. The idea that fear is a ploy used by those who want power and control but cannot and should not be respected.
And the change is not overnight but on a plan of getting to be who I want to be; who I really am. Some days I feel like the VCR flashing midnight because it needs to be re-programmed. It's about learning things I didn't realize in the first place and re-learning what I have forgotten. It's about finding that place where I'm happy just being me.
So I'll begin June in a few days and have to move on; keep up the forward momentum. Aside from bills, debt, my job and my writing the rest of it all has reset. Zero hour and it's “nut up or shut up time.” I can't spend any more time looking back and I shouldn't. The road ahead is half-terrifying and half-exhilarating but I'm hoping that it's every bit as beautiful as I imagine it to be.
On a final note is the “plan”: the One Year Plan. I have a year to set myself up for leaving. I'm not sure where I'm heading to but “anywhere but here” sounds nice. I'm looking for a large city. One that can
handle me.
Stay tuned...
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